cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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