i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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