I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
