If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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