You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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