All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
