I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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