Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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