Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
