Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
