I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
