I wish I could teleport
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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