Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
