I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The Olympian is in my bed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
