Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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