nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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