so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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