cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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