I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
