im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
