shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
