Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
