Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
