you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
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The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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