I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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