I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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