Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
