Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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