WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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