Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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