smell my finger.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
