Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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