I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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