My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I touched a dick in church today
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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