I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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