i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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