I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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