Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
