I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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