are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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