I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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