I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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