drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
we're so committed to being not committed
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
