Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
