No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
