it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
