I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
