we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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