How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
