Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
