Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
