Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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