just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My ATM looks so different sober.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
