You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
