if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
