we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
