that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
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I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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