youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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