She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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