I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
