so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize